Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Death certificates are our last participation award.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.