Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.