Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

I think they could have phrased this better

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*