Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

The old gods are rising again.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

I’m giving up for Lent.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

I’ve had worse

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.