Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.