HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?