her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Cheers Twitter.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…