Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
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First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Hey i am sexy to you now
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Okay
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
2022 be like
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”