Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You Might Also Like
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.