@junejuly12

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

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@dril

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@ArfMeasures

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

@Twitflup

“Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?”
“Aisle B, back”.

@krissywillbretz

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.