that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?”
“Aisle B, back”.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.