@junejuly12

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

@ErinChack

[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug

@KevinBuffalo

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@Bedlam_Beersie

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

@pantsfaced

In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.