Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Blew my mind.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!