Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know


[Me drunk in the stands at the olympics heckling my husband who is a curler] oh LOOK who finally learned how to use a friCKIN BROOM. real nice doug where was this whEN YOU SPILLED FUNIONS IN THE DEN doug


I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??


My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.


My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.


HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?


In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn’t even know they were being watched.