Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.