her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today