her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When you don’t understand how floors work
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
they split up moments later
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I hate when that happens.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera