Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.