Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.