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I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.


Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”


haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there


“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.


I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.


If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend


Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..


Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”


“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.


Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries