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@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@lustgIoss

Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

@tarashoe

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@gavinpivott

I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@StashTheTash

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

@causticbob

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries