Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.