Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Smooooooth

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

💀😭

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

What’s so funny?

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.