Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”