Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me at the job i begged god for
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”