Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
#Caturday
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
*sewing*
A thread
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.