Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me