“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
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Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.