@DrunksWithGuns

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

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@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

@RamblingMachine

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@BoogTweets

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@ehchinoo

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

@TheRolo

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

@JohnLyonTweets

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.