Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.