Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.