Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

pat pat

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.