Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

I only eat vegetarians.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”