HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
🌲😼
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
BRAKING NEWS!!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.