HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Jesus Christ lmao
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”