Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.