Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

Breaking news:

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

No one can handle that

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.