Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

moms in horror movies

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome