Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

pain

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Me, in DM rooms…

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.