HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations