@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

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@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

@ParkerTheKing

I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.

@JoParkerBear

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

@Kimgee8

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

@murrman5

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@haileybri23

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

@nachosarah

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

@MrJeberling

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.