Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

LOOOOOOL

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Couple goals

catch me on valentine’s day like

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*