Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

this is literally a CIA plant

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

What even happened today?

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators