Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

This forever.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.