Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.
The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.