When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’
Me: ‘How do you know??’
Her: ‘You live next door.’
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?