@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

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@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@better_off_dad2

*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@BritishNicx

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@PurelyYours1

My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.

@LosLos__

I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.

@JustUnstableMe

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

@simoncholland

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?