HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes



ME: did the dog put you up to this

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Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me


Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!


Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.


The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird


I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.


Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge


I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.


restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place


Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)


Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.