@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.

@mindflakes

The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@thetruealban

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

@mattkoff

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

@dril

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

@runninforwine

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.