HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
You Might Also Like
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Art by Pastelkatto
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide