Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.