HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
tell em, edith-anne
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Did…did a minotaur write this
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.