Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

incredible google review i just found

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean