Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.