her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar