her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me