Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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2022 be like
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
