Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

So creative 😂

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.