Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings