Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I’m crying im so happy for them
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
A new level of troll.
Please vote for people who are attractive