Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

There’s never enough good news

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

you gotta be faster

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.