Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…