Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

#Caturday

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

584.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.