HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“The Perfect Relationship”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools