her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
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I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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Single and childfree like Jesus
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..