her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
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I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Spell check is for lasers.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you