Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Pikachu found the lost joint

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.