Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Not recommended for beginners.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?