HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
thinking about this
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.