HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
rich people when they have to pay taxes
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things