@ShutUpThatsWho

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

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@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

@Wishes_She_Was

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

@Smug_Lemur

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

@_troyjohnson

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.

@iGreenMonk

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.

@RodLacroix

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

@living_marble

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]