@ShutUpThatsWho

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

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@withanewname

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

@tacos_y_cerveza

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.