HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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LOOOOOOL
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”