Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

My favorite female superhero

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.