her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
No. YOU-buprofen.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK