Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

guys I’m going home

We decided to have money instead of children.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”