Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
fair
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Lol #dogsoftwitter
