Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Happy Star Wars day!

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”