Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit