HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut