HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.