HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
starting a garage orchestra
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants