Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Where is your GOD now????

Note to self: always read the final line

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Interior designer.