HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow